My baby is finally sleeping. It was a very long night! My husband sought solace on a bed of sleeping bags, which he made on the living room floor, but I am wide awake.
I wish you all could see me now. It’s 4:46 am. I’m sitting on the floor of our bathroom, writing this blog on a laptop. The shower mat is surprisingly comfortable and the bathtub makes a great back rest. If I’d only taken the stinky, overflowing garbage can out yesterday….this wouldn’t be a half bad space.
I’ve had a lot of restless nights lately, so forgive me if this doesn't make sense. I don’t even know where to begin. For the first time- in a long time- I’m feeling incredibly overwhelmed by life. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my life, but SO much is going on! Honestly, I am so grateful for the gift of agency, but I am getting seriously frustrated with some of life’s important decisions & SO much responsibility!
Decision 1- Where to get a Phd??? Our wonderful world of limbo
Jeff has always wanted to be a university/research professor, but the road to a PhD is a long one. There are hundreds of schools around the world that offer his PhD program and the time is here for “us” to apply.
Jeff has been busy with school and has asked me to ‘take care’ of it. I have spent countless hours researching these programs, the requirements, the areas, etc. It has been a nightmare! This choice will determine our future---where we will live for the next five years, the environment I will raise my children in, the place where our children start school and set the foundation for Jeff’s future career. Talk about a decision!!!!!!!
Gratefully, the decision will be made in the next 3 weeks. I just hope my sweet children and home can take a little more neglect, because once we’re done… we’re done. 10 schools, 10 applications….and then we wait to see what happens. Jeff has a 5 -15 % chance of being accepted into a program. Everyone cross your fingers!
Decision 2- Family Planning
I think that I’m not typical, but I want “a lot” of children. So trying to time a 3rd child, while living in this time of uncertainty, has really been traumatic. Do we start??? Do we wait??? Do we prevent??? Do we try??? I never would have guessed that these decisions would be so painful.
Decision 3- Weight Loss
Jeff and I know we need to live healthier lives and weight loss is part of that goal. We’ve started working out at 5am. We’re eating a “fat burning” diet. But these changes are making me ill. I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m sore and I have a semi-permanent headache. Am I doing something wrong or is this just part of my transition? My children are sick and their sleep is irregular. Can I make this commitment to 5am and low-carbs… when I can’t seem to get enough sleep?
In conclusion--- I’m tired, I’m stressed, my house is a mess, my children are sick, the finances are tight, and it’s a crazy time of year …. I just don’t know how to cope. I like to think a ‘vacation’ would help, but I know that would only make things worse… and just add more clothes to my laundry pile.
Am I crazy for thinking life is hard right now?
4 comments:
Jen, I know all of these feelings all too well! You are an amazing woman! Never forget that. Things have a way of working themselves out. Just remember that when you are doing the right thing, the right thing will happen to you!
Can I help in some way? Watch kids for an evening? Come clean while you rest? Bring dinner? I would really love to help somehow.
Drop your kiddos off with me for a few hours and take a breather! Or clean. Or nap. Or anything!
Hang in there!!!
I totally understand how you feel... It is hard being a grown up... I look at Paul and Eliza and remember how hard I used to think life was and I laugh... I want to be that carefree again. All I can say is, when it's right, it's right and HF will let you know when that is. In the mean time do the work/research, study it out in your mind and when the situation is there, He will let you see it. If you are doing your part, he won't let you go astray!
LOVE YOU!
Oh girl, I love you. I can completely empathize with you. You are so amazingly strong and I know you're a great wife and mommy!!! Once the applications are out they are out of your hands so relax for a moment. As for life in general, I second Traci's comment that everything will work out how they're suppose to. I know hearing that doesn't always alleviate any stress/heartache but I know you'll get through these struggles your having. I love you and if you really ever need anything...let me know! I'm going to call you and we'll set up a time to play!!!
Post a Comment